hebrew to english cognate candidates https://docs.google.com/document/d/12qpbdaSTpm-vYQwdXS75jBq9a6mLdvBMOGKjekT7pnE/edit
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
hebrew to english cognate candidates https://docs.google.com/document/d/12qpbdaSTpm-vYQwdXS75jBq9a6mLdvBMOGKjekT7pnE/edit
Monday, April 7, 2008
my biography part 2 (starts at http://mybiograppt1.blogspot.com)
12/29/2008
my biography
big shoes to fill.
my next job was at the
minneapolis star tribune ('66-'69) in the the classified & retail advertising
depts. i liked this job much better. we were a monopoly. there was less pressure on us.here i learnt how to sell advertising. i was known for my punctuality in seeing my clients. there was a guy in my dept from mankato mn called brooks whitmore. we were known as the gold
dust twins. we arrived in the display dept at the same time. one time over a meal in a restaurant he broached the subject of homosexuality. it let it pass. i believed & still believe you dont mix sex/romance & a job. it turned out that he discovered his homo'y at abt that time while he was married. divorce ensued. he quit the star & went to cal. when i went there in 74 to find a job i met
him. but while we were sitting in my hotel room the police came. i had reported my gun having been stolen. he made a quick excuse to get going. i guess he thought id gone psycho. a few ys later he crashed his car in louisiana & it was thought to be have been suicide. my gun was a 22 automatic & the only gun ive ever owned. i believe in gun ownership but ive owned a gun only that one time for abt 2 ys. i was thinking of going to alaska. idve needed a rifle & a handgun for i wouldve been out in the wilderness. most criminals have guns. its crazy to forbid
noncriminals to have them. one says how could you have all nyc armed. the crooks are already armed. sure at first thered be shootouts. then after the crooks were eliminated the city would settle down into a much better place. i believe in darwinism, am a social darwinist. at the minneapolis star i started planning on going to england. i liked england so much because of the victorian & edwardian costume dramas id seen & the books id read. i wanted to become a citizen there. in mpls i had a career of sorts that i could parley into a work permit in the old country (toc). i call england toc for i feel so at home there & am so
proud of my famous rellies there. i thought nyc would be an excellent stepping stone leading to england. i & an associate from the newspaper went to ny in feb. '69. we stopped at the house of a friend of his in cleveland who told me that along the turnpike there was a place where college boys lived who wanted gay sex. i guess he saw my mn naivete & wanted to feed me a line. we hit a snowstorm in cleveland & the snow was bad all the way into the bronx. i guess i told my boss in mpls i was going to nyc on vacation. imagine anyone doing that in feb. i got my best
job ever. it
was advertising sales on a
2 man team for mccalls needlework & crafts mag in nyc. we were
both in the closet
gays. what an unreal situation.
not being able to talk abt something
that was so important to both of us. in l.a. by telephone years later when i told my boss i was gay he
offered to set me up in a good
job in nyc. he had already hired me once. but at that point i was more interested in solving my many
intellectual conflicts & i had not yet been turned on to nyc. i didnt want to cope w. nyc just then. dont tell me abt psychological conflicts. theyre all rooted in intellectual ones. if i could see the
purpose of creation in its completeness i wouldnt have anymore problems. we misinterpret life. we are blind. maybe the purpose of life is the expand of god by creating the human race. i think that if we start w. the premise of ourselves as god that goes a long way to solving what life is about. we can swim in a maelstrom of conflicting ideas & still maintain peace of mind. in my senior yr of hs the teacher asked us all
what we wanted more than anything else. i said peace of mind. mom had recently done her 2nd n.b. & tom had just done the death act. solve the intellectual conflicts & youve solved the
emotional
ones. had i known of udwet then idve been ok. gandhi was an udwetin. it would take another 40 ys. had i wholeheartedly believed that i was god i wouldnt have been upset in my senior yr of
hs. belief determines attitude/psychology. but belief must be more than intellectual assent. it needs passion to go w. it. the more the better without upsetting the character & putting it out of balance. i believe religious
problems are solved only thru the wrestling match between the intellect & the heart. the heart is the default mode we use when were not in a meditative mode. but we can advance only when we meditate & thus reprogram ourselves. one can go to revival meetings & retreats all one wants but only ideas will give us lasting satisfaction. of course the revival meeting can stir us up to see new concepts. later we meditate to integrate the new concepts. thus revival meetings are ultimately intellectual.
i thought
getting the baptism
of the holy spirit would end my troubles. in new orleans some united
pentecostals told me if i was baptised in the name of jesus (not in the name of the
trinity) id be baptised in the holy spirit & could speak in tongues. i was & i wasnt. i made a common mistake then & later. i looked for phenomena rather than essence. also i looked at orgs for help. books & the media will give one help for no commitment is demanded. after id been at
mccalls for a yr i decided to head for toc (the old country) loaded for bear. i when i gave my notice i was told at mccalls that they were thinking to make me mgr
upon
the soon
retirement of
my boss bill baxter of cleveland oh (the one who would later offer to set me up w. a job in nyc).
i was looking for class & sophistication. this was a juvenile infatuation w. me that i suppose most young people experience. the real sophistication is spiritual. to me nyc &
england
are
good antidotes to the mn/midwestern blahs. rock song lyrics: 'lookn california, feeln minnesota'. minnesotans congratulate themselves by saying they practise what they call ‘minnesota nice’. it may seem naive but i use jc as the model for behavior. i dont see much niceness in his behavior. his main goal was to straighten out peoples thinking. this isnt done by being nice.
i cant stand the
cowardice of
minnesotans which
i imagine they rationalise as being a good
christians. there are at least 2 motivations for pacifism. bravery & cowardice. means are as important as ends because means express other hidden qualities of the person. how does one know this. because one mere aspect of morality isnt the full character of the person. one who is a pacifist out of cowardice
will show that cowardice in all aspects of its life. thus that person looks good in one area but they dont fool anyone for their full character will reveal the underlying cowardice. there are abt 20000 somalis
in mn & theyre whipping mn's butt. as is that nigger keith ellison, us
house member from s. minneapolis (the richest district in mn) who raised hell over being sworn in w. a bible (the bible forbids the taking of oaths--wake up america). i call myself a racist because
imo we all are racists & also because thereby i disarm the leftists of their chief weapon, which is to intimidate by calling one a racist. im not afraid of being called a racist. if were afraid of this well all be manipulated by racists of other colors. our fears are our blind spots. i believe all people of all races will be saved in the end. i dont believe in genocide. in the meantime there are bad cultural traits that need to be attacked & rooted out in all
race groups. the biggest problem of whites is our cowardice/guilt over being so prosperous among i suppose other things. prosperity creates more coms than anything else. monetary success breeds an aweful guilt. the biggest problem w. blacks is their constant baiting of whites (esp. w. noise). of course this is all bluff/gamesmanship. to make excuses for bad behavior is enablement/continuation of the sos. the carrot & the stick.
maybe mns will wake up. but i dont think so. the whole country in fact the whole white world is infected w. sleep but imo mn is the worst place for it. braindeadness. muz terror in the us & europe just may wake up the dead or maybe not. perhaps people have just become tired of existence & prefer annihilation. get into buddhism. its the most antilife religion i know of. the trouble w. mn is its extreme isolation &
docile socialist scandinavian population & its many bornagains (they have 6 christian radio stations there) who have a warped interp. of the bible. they dont see the true jesus who was a tower of power. he was not snivelly nosed mn nice. i dont like nice people for i believe them to be
phonies. singsong people are also phonies. nice originally meant refined. refinement isnt always good. one can be too refined. the french can be too refined. hence they tolerate the massive car burnings by muz youth. give me a bigot over a coward. except im very intolerant of those who hate all jews. to punish people for being too smart is demonic. nearsightedly these born again people get hung up on jc's words instead of what he was trying to accomplish. also these people believe one cant trust in our minds. so they accept all manner of lunacy. these nearsighteds dont make allowances
for the change in social conditions in 2000 ys. sometimes i call the sermon on the mount the eat shit sermon. when jc said turn the other cheek i think he meant that it was good to pretend to give in to others in an argument to see where their logic would lead them. build upon a fools premise & see where it leads. thats how to win arguments. he certainly didnt always give in to people such as the pharisees & the likes of the man who wanted jc to sort out inheritance problems or those followers who wanted the physical food he could provide. it could be that he meant that people who didnt have the consciousness of being god should turn the other cheek & give what was askt them until they were ready to be killed. he didnt allow the crowd to throw him off a cliff in nazareth. he saw how dark the mind of others could be & rude their outward demeanor could be & that if their motivation was good it was right to help them out. the born again like to play down sincerety in the salvation process. but i think its important. theyll say were not saved by sincerity. i say we are saved by sincerety & identifying w. jc or excarnate god. by not being too hostile. there is the possibility that we may desire to lay down our lives to make the
spiritual point that we are in essence spirit & cant be killed. in that case one would take the verse literally. it may be time for another demo of invincibility of the person after physical death. but im not ready to play that role. i was greatly injured by the literalism & face value interp of the bible pushed on me by the bornagains & at first accepted by me & by my own desire at the time for certainty. the bible is a book of motivation. the words are there to motivate us to work for illumination. its impossible to fulfill them literally. theyre meant as guidelines/stimul to thought. all rules have their exceptions. its like jacob wrestling w. an angel/man representing god. jacob wouldnt let the angel/man go until the latter gave him a blessing. i wouldnt let the bible go until i got the blessing i wanted. that blessing was the assurance that i was on the right track. imo jc used words to arouse people from their sleep knowing well that they were not capable of
measuring up to those words. he wanted us to experience the despair that would cause us to grasp at any
& all inspiring ideas. that goal is achieved in the wearegod idea. the torah does the same thing. often he was speaking ironically
just to stir people up. the law & the prophets will stand until they have accomplished their purpose. their purpose is to show us that by will power we cant accomplish them or the laws of christ. so we have to
search madly until we go all the way to the teachings of india to find the wearegod idea. this is what all the bible leads us to & then we automatically do the law bye & bye after expanding our cit (consciousnes) enough. how many have found (udwet) (advaita) in our day? very few. theyre not ready for it, they rebel against it calling it blasphemy. havent suffered enough. they havent become desperate enough. how much longer will it take.
i went to
england
& lied at the airport that i was a tourist when i was wanting to find a
job there
which i did for fjparsons ltd. i knew id never be let in the country if i told the truth. this lie later
caused me untold agony of
conscience. hebrews 10 26. like most christians i was told from the beginning
of my church experience i was a rotten
sinner.
that suggestion has a way of fulfilling itself. all orthodox churches teach
the depravity of humans. in the earth experience we start at the bottom. this depravity is known
as original sin. original sin is taught in its extremest form in calvinism,
which i was attracted to due to my name alvin
& due to a desire to have some solidity in life. calvin seems to have taught a total determinism. ‘not a drop of rain falles but at the express command of god. a hitching post. calvin had a mind honed by his study of law & had a good grasp of the bible so that he was able to produce a masterpiece of
christian theology called institutes of the christian religion. he wrote commentaries to all the bible books except rev. that he couldnt deal w. the only thing i get from rev is that we should beware all institutions esp the state.
there is only 1 bible proof text for the total depravity idea i know of &
thats psalm 51:5. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. in london i became the ad mgr for
recreation mgr a start up trade mag that never got off the ground. it was a
knock off of
another similar mag in the uk & 2 of them was too many. my boss who had started it was called by one of the staff pointy headed & she daphne blampied (i called her daft behind her back) was right. i feel guilty that i used to take 2 hr lunch breaks. i was
young/awiseguy. clearly i wasnt thinking of the job as a career job. id go over to the westminster library near trafalgar square. my favorite resource was the encyclopedia of philosophy. to be in a wilderness cabin w. that set & the set called the encyclopedia of religion would be bliss. at fjparsons thered been 2
english sales mgrs before me & they couldnt make a go of it either. so i lasted only 15 mo. & the mag was cancelled. but id grown disenchanted w. england. the antiamericanism was frightful. it was too crowded. the labor unions were way too strong. maggie took care of the unions. theres a certain priggishness in england
caused by authoritarianism. one is expected to conform in behavior but almost any belief is tolerated as long as it doesnt produce aberrant behavior. the authoritarian god & country thing. they think of us yanks as selfish. theres good & bad selfishness. we yanks are self & family directed which is proper. better selfish than slave. theres lots of unhappiness in toc (the old country) because of this crowding, multiracialism & authoritarianism. theres a craving for privacy as a consequence. the brits dont look for friends. as is proper they crave privacy & . i was in an all girl
office as the only 'man'. the yomen
had a ball. but it was hard for me to concentrate. collectively the 4 of them started writing a novel abt a romantic
spaniard called raoul. each would contribute something to the story. i dont know how far they got w. it. one of the salesmen had his hair cut by one of the yomen. there was much merriment.
merry old england. there
was one woman called
valda anderson (not scandinavian her hub was scot & this is a common name in scotland)
& she was
very shy but toffee nosed. i told her she was so respectable she should teach
sunday school. said she was too busy.
she helped our director
organise his steeplechase
races. one night as
she was exiting the building & walking down the street, from our 3rd story window on john adams street
4 of us sang 'good nite valdie. see you in the morning'. this was 3
blocks from trafalgar square. one time after work i pretended i was her adoring
nephew (a frequent guise of mine w. her) & got on the same train w. her at charing cross station & she was so agitated by my alse adoring attention that she said we
know
youre gay. it was her way of getting back at me. the english are very good
at sizing up people & putting one in ones place (i was hoping that pc wouldnt take hold in england but unfortunately it has in spades) as are the jews who have wonderful yiddish
expressions for bad character traits. outside our window one day a lady tramp was walking
down
our side street john adam st. & lifted a manhole cover & shat in the
hole. i think she was one of a whole bunch of street people who lived around
the embankment
tube station which i used when i lived in streatham. one time lindy hirst from our office got off the tube w. me at that station & pointed to one of the bums & said 'hes the brain of the operation'. i laughed. english and jewish humor are the best. very irreverent. good humor is always irreverent. wake up america. but abt 6 mo. after i arrived in the uk
mom did her 3rd nervous breakdown (she shouldve started a school o
getting away from problems by throwing nb's....shedve been a great strike organiser if she couldve overcome her great shyness). both of us kids were out of state & she was working. twice she did the nb thing while or shortly after both of us were living far off. she would just run out of steam. i think we live off the energy of others partially. she certainly did..
passiveaggressives certainly do this. we live on ego gratification. so sweet is it to be praised/noticed. but ive learnt to avoid giving or receiving praise. i think its toxic. i live on the praises of my people says god. i think i said this for the benefit of the people in their lamentably backward condition. any sane person rejects praise. when one praises me i await the ‘but.....’. of necessity backward people live manic/depressive lives. before ma threw
the third darkie (depression) & while i was in toc thru her job mom met a guy abt 14 ys younger than she. another german. she had had 2 close german male friends before she met tom. james said shed put on rouge heavy when her amour lincoln schroeder & she went out. she called him the finest christian shed ever met. she said this just to spit on me who am very religion proud. james wanted me to put an end
to the schroeder business which i did. it was right after that she threw darkie no. 3. i think she had thought i was in england to stay for she said i seemed to be
the happiest in england of
any place id lived in. happiness never lasts. its a fleeting thing. better to be balanced. earlier she had even mentioned to her brother in law lewy myers that she
might move to england to be w. me. this indicates the degree of her sense of aloneness.
but for me england
was/is muuuuuuuuch too
overpopulated. i wanted more elbow room. now theres the added moslem uprising problem which the english have not yet shown themselves to be equal to. equipollence is needed. i think the only reason
they have so many pakistanis there is the new
world order (odor) (world government) agend. the birch magazine has been
documenting the growth of this movement for
60 ys. people dont want to hear bad news unless it applies only to others. their magazine is always filled w. documentation of worldgov measures. even the extreme left is now using their thesis. people esuch as michael parenti & noam chomsky.
i headed back to mn. on my way back i went to spain, morocco,
gypt & israel.
i should never travel. i hate the stress. i complain the whole way. my eczema had started to flare up in england. i suppose i was excited about writing my first bookscript, going to the holy land & the anticipation of going back to mn where id be in for big trouble.
as of 2008 ive been in 29 foreign countries. my eczema flared up into
boils/ulcers (
biblical job) & it took me 20 min to get out of bed. i went to a doctor in jerusalem at the king
david hotel
& told him i didnt
have enough blood. he said 'what?' hed
never heard of such a
thing. imagine a gentile telling a jewish doctor something. but since then ive noticed
that we scratch when our blood
pressure/volume is low especially after waking up in the am when were dehydrated.
the scratching forces circulation in the spot we scratch & temporarily this
relieves the itch. my theory has been vindicated. people w. fast hearts can ameliorate the
situation by drinking more fluids. this is because when blood volume is adequate the heart has an easier job. i have a fast heart. i have a hard time drinking enough water. so i make a big batch of green tea to make water drinking more pleasurable. after coming from england & israel i got to st.
paul & i brought ma home from her sister elins place & found ma would
sit on
the couch all day. she had been cared for by elin for abt 15 mo & by my brother for a couple months who
used the situation to get out of the navy. his conscience didnt bother him that he stayed w. her only a couple months & then left for st. louis to go back to his old job. hes that way. slippery. he thinks hes very clever. id call him a wise guy. hes just
just like mom that way. but he had the excuse that he had a wife to support & his old job awaiting him in st. louis. since elin had cared for her for over a yr. she wanted no more & had asked
me to come home to care for ma. i wrote a book
manuscript on christian apologetics while sitting w. mom in her newly built duplex on st. pauls east side.
i
think shock
treatment is
barbaric & wanted to hold it
off thinking
there
might be a spontaneous remission. I SHOULDVE GONE TO THE LIBRARY TO
LOOK FOR BOOKS ON DEPRESSION. i wouldve run into the idea that nutrition can do wonders for this. but i didnt know the
power of nutrition (do we ever know enough of anything) and wasnt a christian scientist then. cs accepts nutrition as 'improving mortal mind'. food isnt rejected by cs's. suicide isnt recommended. ive been a vegan (pronounced vejan (short e)) since '85 & an organic vegan since 97. the only oils i take are sunflower & flax. they supply the
must eat fatty acids. but i think im taking too much of them for my prostate isnt shrinking & that is a must for me. i have to squeeze my urine out. drugs are rejected by many people as mere symptom shifters masking the underlying problem. one set of symptoms are exchanged for another set. the new set can be more dire than the old. drugs are seen as toxic. cs's say the material world is just illusion, it is advantageous for us to make our condition in
mortal mind (the consciousness of living in the world) as enlightened as possible as long as we are here. we should lessen our illusions. i prefer the idea that we create our world by accepting the beliefs of others when were young. this world is not necessarily illusory. it could be just an agreed upon belief system. i havent decided yet on the nature of nature. wouldnt it be wonderful to see the world as a baby sees it. one thing everyone agrees on is that the world is in constant transit. i dont believe that matter is only illusion. but it certainly is unstable. after accepting cs we could suicide to exit mortal mind. but mm is that opposition we seem to need in order to purify
ourselves. we need to conquer nature. we might as well make the most of mm & help others escape its clutches. well not get anywhere without purification. when mom was alive i was just
floating along down stream (arent we all until we can walk on water) ignorant of the power of
nutrition. now i use ascorbic acid vit c capsules to kill all tooth pain. ive had 2 big abscesses in my mouth. it works even w. them. one i had for 10 ys. the current one i have had for 12 ys. im now
doctor dentist & lawyer free. when i was abt 10 i snuck out of my bedroom window just before dad was due to take me to dr. stromwall our dentist. i went next door to the fuhrmans & hid telling barb & kenny to call me ray so that my parents wouldnt hear them calling my name. i watched for the car to leave the garage & hid so i wouldnt be seen outside their house. i think my dad like my spunk for he never said a thing. he didnt like my priggishness which i got from mom. while caring for mom in st paul
i started noticing homocidal thoughts i had toward
her welling up in me. one time i shoved her into
her bed. i
was tired of her sitting on the couch all the time. i was holding off shock treatments for i think theyre barbaric. i thought there might be a remission. i knew nothing of
she was a
sneaky person but had given me lots of support when tom was alive tho i think much of my pathology was due to her as well as him. id owned so much of her personality.
if i could relive that period
idve studied nutrition & made her a proposition. ill continue living w. you if you follow my guidelines on nutrition. also i will not have a job & youll have to give me an allowance. otherwise ill become passive w. you & leave you to the dox & your own devices.
amino acids show much
promise
in helping the unbalanced mind stay balanced.
just abt anything nutritional helps depression for d. is the most general pathology there is. it simply means were not feeling well. but she had me w. her
unconditionally because i wasnt smart enough to
see the injustice of the situation.
i was using her & felt i had a right to since i was her primary caregiver. but she was using me much more than i her. i couldve done jolly well without her but the reverse wouldntve been true. people use each other all the time. this is the basis of civilisation. but we should be aware were using one other, make sure the other person knows it too & be doing it voluntarily. if both parties are aware &
me & the nb's in order to cope. one might say of course nb's are coping mechanisms. everything is. but when a coping mechanism is used in a sneaky way then it becomes a sin. there is sneakiness involved in all sin. during her 4th nb in new orleans i was
freaked out
when in a trance like
state she said something like 'ive got to figure out how to make us
one'. was that a freudian statement! it was
also an advaitin statement. i think my brother & family think there was intercourse between us but maybe im low rating them even further than they deserve accepting of the mutual using there is no creepiness. who can be smart enough in life. who can know enough. only if we have the full consciousness (chit/cit) of being god can we know all we need to know. 2 days after mom died it came to me that she had been using.
theyre clueless abt psychology. how can one live in the modern world without it. some decades ago j. said he was waiting for me to come unglued. the poor child. he hasnt had his wish yet. i told j&s abt moms statement. i believe in telling all. there is therapy in truth. but since ive always been the family scapegoat (a very christian practice) im usually blamed for everything
including what they think might have been. ONE OF MY
BIGGEST REGRETS IN LIFE IS THAT I DIDNT ASK HER WHAT THE
HELL WAS BOTHERING HER. you christian people please know that i swear like a sailor. tune in to gene scott who preaches sometimes swearing at his la church the one that vernon mcgee used to preach in. i like reality in religion. an honest swear word/s show a guilelessness. you can hear gene on the net. im very opposed to pietism, the pretending to be pure. pious is phew. in french pious is pieux which is pronounced almost like phew. purity cant be faked successfully. plenty of pew warmers try. it is deathly. id love to rescue all religions from pietism. . i think ma blocked my mind. i think people have the ability to block other peoples
minds. i believe she constantly was telling my subconscious mind dont ask me
whats bothering me. yet i feel ultimately i discovered what was bothering her. i
think it was her self hatred for being so cowardly that she couldnt
defend herself in an argument. whenever i do a brave thing i pat myself on my shoulder. she
always told us to fight for our interests. once in grade school i hit gilbert ostman on his head w. my lunch bucket. he was a pest.
in '57 mom told her psychiatrist that her mother in law had tormented mom w. her pushiness. she blamed me too but always behind my backs. in n.o. the yentas (nosey old
women) openly blamed me for not giving her into the doctors hands. the ones who did this all died before mom did. but lets face it. moms worst problem was her weakness. wimpy people do far more harm than over aggressive ones. shy people bring on their own problems because its as
if theyve a sign on them that says im weak. hit me. this brings on the inevitable reaction of others to abuse them. weak people raise hell for themselves & others. one good thing i got from tom is he taught me the virtue of being strong. when i see an old person mouthing as if they were chewing gum i detest them & wish the angel of death would take them. its a great life if one isnt weak. id rather deal w. over aggressive people any day than the weak. the professionals call them passive aggressives. in a jewish home she wouldve been forced to argue during meals in
order to learn how to deal w. the cruel world. also she
worried a lot abt money. weak people do that too. they lack a sense of power. the
worrying abt money caused her to go on strike which caused her to go to
hoz which cost her lots of money which made her poorer which made her worry abt money. but the sweetness of punishing herself & others was too great to quit the depression act. & thus the cycle would go on & on. like all of us she was her worst
enemy. it is our weaknesses that are our
worst enemies.
in england
i had written a book on
how
england
should
join the us rather than the
eu. i wrote a second book in st. paul. it was on
christian apologetics. it was prescient for in the born again movement this is a big
subject now
for c'y is under
attack by cryptocoms & most other nonchristians like the muz. the first are very strong in
education, law & the media. the muz are now using the left as allies against the right. politics makes strange bedfellows. the left worships the state. the muz think they can get weak ch'n
countries to force sharia law upon their citizens thru force. but muz dialog is positively psychotic. it is based on bluff. its just a spewing of hatreir the left including the muz should engage logicians so that their dialog could pass the smell test, the non contradictory test. in st. paul in 1972
id got a taste for the leisurely life & in
those days one
didnt interrupt ones career for family reasons. i
didnt think i could go back into advertising for id spent a yr w. mom. i didnt like my
career
anyway so
i decided to take the easy path in life. ive had no
regrets. ive taken enough orders in my life. since '73 ive done my very own thing. ive had no debts since. i reported for the military & got a physical deferrment due to my robust eczema. the vietnam war couldve been dodged by conservatives on the basis of the wimpy leadership of the
war. same could be said of the iraq war. im a conservative hippie. my dad was going to kick me out of the house at age 18. had he lived 2 more ys he mightve & i mightve been better off. i wish i
couldve left all responsibility at 16 the age at which one could leave school in mn. but i was caught in the mesmerism of education. the factory age made factory owners see the need for the discipline of punctuality & good attendance & the ability to take orders (odors). thus school was
made mandatory & tax financed. this discipline worked so well that it introduced the era of the total state, communism & fascist. now in the age of desk work where discipline is not nearly so
important the old dinosaur of forced ed. ambles on. we learn our lessons from the past too well.
since then ive always done my own thing. had i
gone back to work after ma's recovery in '73 it wouldve been only 3 more ys before mom crashed again this time in new orleans & i wouldve had to quit that job.
after 1 yr in st paul (the 2 times i cared for her while in nbs i waited 1 yr each time to give her a chance to come out of depress) i took mom to
the hozzie for shock treatment & she came back to her usual being just
chronically depressed. this type of person is called unipolar. if i lose my
temper once in awhile you can see why given the strain ive been under. i
sold
the house in st. paul against gma hakansons & james advice. i wasnt going to be under 2 burdens, mom & the house. after that ma went thru her whole estate in the next 20 ys that remained for her & was on medicaid at the end. i wouldnt call it a successful life.
we
went to new orleans.
i thought the climate would be more
uplifting for her. but from our apt i could hear the cries of a mental patient in the distance. theres quite a lot of mental disease in the south. id given her the choice
between nyc, n. orleans or
paris. i like
france for its sense of style. it can be called the most civilised country of all maybe too civilised in the sense of cowardly. since 65 ive been studying french litely & simplifying it. i think street language in france is much simpler than academic french. in french movies dialog is so clipped its impossible for me to understand. i dont know if i couldve got a work permit in france. in 2000 due to my
agony over the clinker
administration i planned to go to france but when i found out one needs a
prescription for vitamins there, i ditched the
effort.
now i wish i
wouldve
forced her to go
to ny w. me. there people
dont have time for
nervous breakdowns. she still wouldve been a pain in the ass. but i mightve been able to publish my 2 books. in 1973 in new orleans i
wrote another
unpublished
book advocating
theocracy (after seeing what happened in iran,
was i
wrong abt that!). in nuh wawlns i met stu calhoun from birmingham alabama. he & his twin brother forrest had been circus aerialists. stu married & had 5 kids. but he & his brother were gay. stu left his wife. at first i stayed at the columns hotel (where pretty baby w. brook shields) was filmed). stu
was a clerk there. wed sit on the front porch in rocking chairs & hed rock me w. laughter telling me abt how hed seduce young men. he liked age 20 give or take say 3 ys. hed use lines like id like to see more of you. he was one great southern snake oil con men. he claimed that his dad
was alabama sec of state but i checked that out & he was lying. to me humor wipes out & exposes a multitude of sins. it wipes out many of the sins of the humorist & exposes the sins of others. when i closed shop in nuh wawlins stu bought nearly all of our furniture. mom just sat there in her down mode which she was too proud to break seeing all her furniture go. exactly what she deserved. in 1974 in no i had a christian science type healing even
though i hadnt studied cs yet. while showering i was given insight
into my nearly
life
long eczema. i think i got it due to taking vaccines at age 5 mo....the mercury preservative is toxic. the public 'health' authorities dont tell one this afaik.
to the nervous system which then gives out false info to the physiology & causes improper immune responses. had vit c & all the other antioxidants been
discovered before vaccines we wouldve never gone the vaccine route for vaccines cause autism
allergies & many other things and are due to due to nervous system damage. dont tamper w. the info system of any org! autism should be called chronic irritability. i believe its a wiring problem. DONT MESS W. THE WIRING. but autism can produce idiot savants. theres an autist in england who has memorised a number i think 1 million digits long. i think human irritability & therefore autism has increased since the intro of vaccines. autism has now reached an epidemic rate. i certainly have irritablity & that makes me a constant searcher of privacy. id say im abt a 3 on the autism scale. my dads second cousin helen (mrs. clem) nelson of st paul asked me if i was brilliant or crazy. i answered 'both'. i had a tutor in french in
nyc called suzanne tanzer. she was old a very dramatic in her gestures. i teased her mercilessly. when we walked the streets she hold my elbow & id say 'tout le monde est a nous' (we own the whole world). id always tutoiyer
her meaning id use the familiar pronouns & verb forms to talk to her. i was so silly w. her that when i had a lesson in my office id close the blinds so that
others couldnt see how foolish i was. once i forgot to open the blinds & my boss scolded me for this impropriety the next day. ive made a list of over 100 people i consider to be silly. these are people i loooooooove to tease. i was on my uncle georges silly list for he teased me so skillfully that twice i
screamed at him. more & more im going into scream mode. theres the primal scream therapy of janos. that was georges chief social skill... teasing. when he died aged 93 in 06 we were estranged. we just didnt have anything further to say to each other. i didnt like his stuff & he didnt like mine. i think thats the way its going to remain w. james too. id lost respect for george & im sure he never had the slightest respect for
me. i never heard him say a good thing abt me. there werent too many people he respected. while i was in nyc i went to the billy graham crusade the summer of 69 w. a lesbian yoman who called me a beautiful person. no one else has called me this. but in those days i was very
dumb/naif. i guess this appealed to her. i didnt have the sailors tongue i have now. not every word jc spoke is written in the bible. the
insite in the shower in n.o. mightve been my unconscious
mind telling me this. the superconscious
mind is my name for our subliminal consciousness of being god. maybe im making distinctions that arent deserved. but i distinguish the subconscious from the
superconscious. the former dealing w. low energy/funky things such as dream material & the latter being our remembrance of being god in another existence. in either case they are the parts of our memories that are forced to
the peripheries of consciousness due to the impositions of life. the
superconscious is the reservoir of all good info that weve learnt thruout our current & past lives. the other peripheral consciousness is the subconscious which is our animal nature vying for attention. it shows our animal nature in a bad light. but the subconscious is good in that it shows us our deficiencies.
the event in the shower broke the disease which doctors in the us
& uk
couldnt
cure for 32 ys. dermatology is the most backward of all the specialties of medicine. in the shower i was told (or i told myself based on knowledge id
gained) that eczema comes from blocking the skin from
expelling poisons from inside the body. therefore dont put oils or grease on
your skin.
also i reasoned that i shouldnt hold my
homosexuality inside. secrecy produces stress which causes poison creation.
also
i reasoned pork contains poison so i should eliminate it from my diet.
these things worked fast & the healing has been permanent.
i believe we should state to ourselves we want to see just what is
causing our diseases. we are the mind of god. it just takes time for our human brains to process
ideas. the superconscious mind kicks in & provides the analysis of the disease. ive been a vegan since 85 & an organic vegan since 97. theres something beyond organic. its called biodynamic. i plan to look into it. when i turned 65 i rejected medicare. ive no deductions from my ss check for
medicare. i threatened med. w. a law suit if they didnt allow me to opt out. i found out anyone can opt out or join late. jan-mar of every year is a window of 'opportunity' but the premium is 10% higher for each yr that goes by. i plan to live forever in good
health. nobody is going to convince me i have to die. i havent gone to a dr. since 86. i dont believe in med/surg/burn. in 86 i went cuz i hadnt discovered the power of vit c in ascorbic acid capsule form. don’t waste your money on ascorbate or ester c. they do nothing for me.
also we must put pressure on the vit cos to supply us w. non chinese vit c. there are too many contaminate problems w. chinese products. i hope subconsciously im not planning to get sick so i can go back into childhood w. someone hovering over my bed ministering love to me. but i dont think so cuz i never have this dream.
i took a one year break from mom by going to
los angeles. id lived in the north south east. now i wanted to experience the west. la is surprisingly provincial for the us's no. 2 city. its hard to get a job there. theyre as suspicious as
their antecedents who came from the midwest. in ny if they think you can do a job theyre delighted to have you no matter where you come from. ive always loved the coastal northeast & resented the chauvinism of californians. the mexicans are taking over california. whites are not a 50% majority in hi ca nm tx. we should consider them lost from the us. pres. clinker looks forward to the time the us is no longer mainly white. i dont. the time for colorblindness hasnt come yet & wont come until nonwhites act/think like whites. & i resent those who would try to paint over the differences. by the time i got to la i was pretty bummed out over ma. i didnt have the gumption to look for a good job. so
i sold baby foto
coupons
door to door. i lived on the money i was able to get from the purchasers. i worked for keys studios on hollywood blvd. once i was abt 5 ft from art linklater. but its much easier to see celebs in nyc cuz people walk in nyc. in la they drive everywhere. my customers would buy
a $5 coupon & a photographer would come to the house & take several pictures. when the pictures were ready the customer could choose either to buy extras or take just the one for
$5. my customers were 2nd best of those of all the salespeople cuz i put so little pressure on them & thus got the motivated ones. the salesmen could get lots of sales from my people. i had a wonderful little jewish leprechaun sales mgr (al bernard) who kept me
in
stitches
during
sales meetings. i lived in a residential hotel steve allens
mum had lived in her last ys. steve would sit in the car while jane would
go in to slobber over mum. in case you didnt know steve was not a warm person. i never liked him. the way he told dirty jokes was dirty. i tell dirty jokes in a way that points out the
human folly of sex. like that other homo benny hill who presented sex in a mocking way. allen did sex in a way that seemed to glorify sex, the majestic secrecy & awe of it. imo sex
is a highly ritualised & indirect way of voiding of human chemicals. in la i
often went to the mother church of the gay denomination called the metropolitan
community church & also to the gay
synagogue alongside it. i didnt like either cuz being a snob i didnt like the seediness of those denoms.
i was mugged by niggers (im not pc (political coverup)(pathectically
corrupt)(party communist)(povertyofcerebration)) in south central la. this
caused me to
lash out at
my relatives (see how logical we are). but our rellies do have an awful lot of impact on our
development. i remember how uncle yngve used to rag on me about the evils of capitalism
from age 8 on. today it would be called child abuse. i imagined all kinds of bad
things abt the rellies. i was prolly reading their subconsciousnesses. the sub's contains the morbid aspects while the superconscious contains the divine. since the morbid
consciousness doesnt glorify animality but discredits it, we see that good is the more powerful of good & bad & that being is monistic. i f you dont understand monistic please consult the dic & dont go passiveaggressive on me. passiveaggressives could drain the universes of energy if allowed to. they are wimps. jews call them schmendricks. the connote of
above & below in consciousness are purely arbitrary conventional spatial concepts. but whatever way one wants to imagine them in we divide up the good & bad in our minds. imo in reality there is no space or time. i guess we expect too much from our rellies. uncle
yngve my communist godfather thinks ive an abnormally great interest in relatives. maybe hes afraid of my analysis of him. it could be that being gay my development is arrested in
part in childhood. ortho psychiatry thinks this is the case. maybe subconsciously ive known
all along that ive royal blood & wanted to have it revealed to consciousness. it wasnt long after a mugging by niggers in la. that i
went back to n. o. then mom had her 4th
nb. one time when in a sort of trance she said 'i need to know how we can be united' or something very similar. i took this as meaning she was in love w. me & it freaked me out. i think james & family believe i had sexual intercourse w. her. people who hate one are prone to twist things around, to demonise one. j. & family have done this in spades! i congratulate them for making such asses of themselves. i
looooooove when people do this. then they go on my silly list. yes ive a degree of sadism in my heart & masochism too. the 2 go together. life would be simpler if id just keep my mouth shut. but i enjoy getting things out in the open. the bible speaks of god as hiding things. i mayve been like that in the past but now i reveal everything. ive changed my mind since bible times. jc said he had not told
his disciples all for they were not ready for it. but now 2000 ys later theres a tremendous backlog of things we need to know. were not told directly cuz we get strong be trusting our own god cit (look it up). its our own human consciousness that blocks things we dont want to know. change is usually painful. OUR WILL IS WHAT WE SHOULD TREAT W. THE GREATEST RESPECT SINCE IT IS OUR HEAVEN OR HELL.
speak the truth & shame the devil is one of my mottos & it comes from toc. after a few months of me being home in n.o. & while i was at work mom took an
overdose of medicine & when i got home from work in the credit dept at sears her eyes
were turned up into her head & her breathing was very slow. the doctor was
guardedly optimistic that shed
survive. she was put on a respirator.IVE LEARNT IT IS FOLLY TO FIGHT FOR THE LIFE OF ONE WHO DOESNT VALUE IT EVEN IF ITS IN A DEPREST CONDITION. our diseases
are part of the whole of our lives. its not as if the devil suddenly comes in & takes over . we entertain the devil all the time. our lower instincts are the devil. the time we put in entertaining him (our low natures) builds up over time & low thoughts become habits. our sicknesses are our own fault. after one demonic spell a smart person will learn from the experience & work so that it doesnt happen again. after mom came
out of the nb i
turned her over to my
bro. i had had enough. 2 breakdowns were enough. i put her on a plane in n.o. for st. paul
(thats where her
long
time doctor was who said she shouldnt live alone). my sister in law picked her up there.
i left the airport in n.o. at the same time
for texas (i think her plane to mn
was following mine on the tarmac). a real jet age family. if you think im a pauper living in grandiose thinking youre right. thats how h. g. wells was raised. yet ive not reached his stature except spiritually. he was an atheist. i wanted to see my heartthrob
john heim.
id been made moms guardian & was given power of attorney. i spent i think abt $1500 of moms money on plane trips to see
john in texas. i never succeeded in seeing him. i paid her back later when i worked at an organic farm in st. louis county. but she
didnt
require me to do it in full. imo had she been in her right mind shedve been grateful for my help & treated me from time to time as a reward. that was not carolines way. i dont remember her ever thanking anybody for anything. since she was weak she mustve felt it wouldve given her
benefactors power over her. one time she found some writing id done abt her & she accused me of trying to control her by writing abt her. in no having asked james to take over, i left our goods in n.o. in the keeping of a very shortterm landlord. we had left the apt on st. charles av & moved into the french quarter.
i went on a 21 day water fast over ma & john heim. i got meaner than hell. i dont do any more fasting. instead i take to bed & leave the house as little as possible. this is a lot easier when one is retired. but even working people can do it weekends. fasting & meditating clarify the mind. dont mind the monkey mind that jumps all over the place. when one is decompressing ones mind after having interacted w. others this is bound to take place & will eventually play itself out.mas
engagement ring (which id taken off her cuz she worked it back & forth on her finger & irritated it) & the family plate were stolen in the
few days after ma & i left & before james picked the stuff up. ive always had a contempt for riches. i fear them as giving one a false security. dr. norman in
st. paul put ma on lithium &
that was the end of her
memory & the beginning of the end of her kidneys. but he had again brought her out of depression. she would do 7
depressions in all in her life. her dementia got so bad once in church she asked james who his father was to the great merriment of those who heard her. ive heard of a person who took electroshock frequently voluntarily. I GUESS HE LIKED IT OR WAS AFRAID HED GO INTO DEPRESSION IF HE DIDNT TAKE IT. THE HEIM PROJECT
DIDNT WORK. IN JUNE '76 I WAS BADLY BEATEN UP BY HIM HIS BROTHER & A FRIEND OF HIS. ID BEEN WARNED OF KANSAS 'BOYS' AS BEING VIOLENT. so
circuitously via ca or & mn i made my way back to ma after
she was
settled in st. louis county. i was mugged by some niggers in sanfr & called sharnie asking for james to send me some money to the diggers address in sanfr. they had a walk in letter service for hippies there. he sent the check to some address in la where id lived before going to sanfr. i never got
the money. sharnie said that id demanded the money. i remember having the tone that i just assumed my brother would help me out in such a fix. it was not to be. this was just one in a whole cascade of things that has made me hate him. hes in a church very appropriate for him...presbyterian. in england p’n is a one word joke as is knickers. i
stayed in shelters starting w. a shelter in sanfr run by the shiloh people of arkansas who grow the famous organic grains found in health food stores. then i went to the 6th st. mission joined the staff & stayed there 6 weeks. then 7 weeks at a mission in eugene or. eugene is a countercultural town. i guess itd be all right to live there if one could stand the pressure that lefties create. i put anarchism on
the far right. these people are esssentially anarchists. on the right side of the spectr im awaiting their arrival. on my way to st. paul hitchhiking thru e. oregon i felt under terrible oppress. later i read that the russians were testing an ionosphere heating device like our haarp device. i think that device might have effected me. or it couldve been the psy
pressure i was under. then 4 months at the union gospel mission in st paul where i think i was the most agitated in my life. previously ma had given them money. i wonder if shed had a premon that i might be needing their
help one day. i couldnt get a permanent job. i had a long beard & semilong hair & wouldnt part w. it for religious reasons. i thought all this hair would bring me good luck & it did in the long
run. in st. louis i did very good intellectual work. i revised many of my beliefs. constantly its good to take inventory of these for they are our destiny. later id stay at missions in fl & hi. theyre costless places to stay. theyre good for travelers without money. most of the people who stay at
missions in highly traveled areas are travelers. were not total losers. many are quite bright like me. there were 2 at the maui mission w. iq's in the 130s. mine is a mere 126 that is the first 3 letters of the ! func in math. at the mission in st. paul there
was a rc therapist named dr. oconnor. hed been trained at queen marys college in london. i asked him if i could have some free therapy. he gave me 11 sessions. he said my anxiety level
was higher than any hed seen at the mission. he treated me not w. a rc type but w. a cs type of therapy. it mustve taken root cuz later that yr i started doing nothing but cs
research for 6 mo. but james had warned me not to come to mo but mom said it was ok. what doesnt kill makes one stronger. i had
been beaten up by the heim gang in n.o. the year '76 was my annus horribilis. moms old car was giving trouble. i gave it away
inspired by such deeds on the 700 club pat robertsons show. mom was in one of her snits. in nuhwawlns 2 jewish women & 2 baptist women (one was the wife of a
former pres. of the southern baptist convention) gave me hell for not putting mom completely in the hands of dox. all 4 of these women died before mom. sweet vindication. im very vindictive. i study the social security death index. its
hard to be an existentialist (one who doesnt go along w. the crowd, who makes bold conscious decisions abt ones life). but the ex't way is the honest way even tho the top man of the ex't movement john sartre didnt follow his advice.
he preached stalinism. how can one be an ex't in a stalinist society. dont do what they do. do what they say. i believe my english cousin had her a. h. the year there were 2 divorces of her sons. al hakanson & annus horribilis have the
same initials. so do adolf hitler & alfie hitchcock.
moms psychiatrist in st.
paul had said
she
shouldnt live alone. no one but me wanted to live w. her & living w. her
suited my lazy
lifestyle. in '87 in hi when i asked if i could live w. her again she said no.
she knew how opposed james was to it & she wanted me to further develop my survival skills.
bears & insects sleep away the winter. yet i/god care for them & us. what kind of life is it for a grown unmarried man to live w. his
mother off & on until hes 51 as i did.
its a wonder ive not been forced to take psychiatric 'help' (drugs). i believe the right to refuse med/surg/burn treatment should
be enshrined in the bill of rights. most states have cs science sponsored laws which preclude forced treatment for those who trust in prayer for healing. james was furious that id rejoined her. he came to our apt.
white in his face. later he would throw out
all my memorablia for the first 42 ys of my life. all but my bookscripts. hed rather
have mom living alone than do anything to help me. i guess he was afraid id finagle money out of her. i shouldve got money for living w. her even when she was ‘normal’ for what kind of life is living w. a parent for one in his 30s & 40’s. i wasnt perfect for mom but i was
the only one who could do it. nobody else would live w. her. her sister couldnt do it anymore. i dont think she wouldve made 81 had she not got family help. living w. her in st. louis
cnty i spent 6 ys revising my
religious & political beliefs. my old ones
hadnt served me very well. for one year i worked on an organic
farm run by a
german american protestant who
thought
hitler was 'a fine christian man'. i reported him to the antidefamation league. ive quit reporting people to them or to the jewish defense league for neither acknowledge my letters. what creeps. & the adl is pushing for hate speech legislation which would nearly destroy freedom of speech. theres a nice jewish woman in switzerland gabrielle goldwater who talks w. me abt my distress over http://libertyforum.com. it started out as an anarchocapitalist
forum & because of the lovely low level of censorship was soon taken over by a group of hitlers holocaust deniers & minimisers. ive always wanted to attack these people i consider much lower than child molesters & have had a very good bash at it. a mililtia friend (i dont support their program but respect them for their muckraking) jack yoos recently revealed himself as a kraut jewhater & told me not to call
him again unless 'id changed my mind'. fat chance. 20 ys ago hed told me he had no probs w. jews & blacks.. i adore right wing jews & jewish humor. in st. louis i
wrote a 4th unpublished book on changes coming to the world in the future. on
out to infinity. i tried to sell the first book. i hate to sell things. ive dont too much of it. i feel a pimp. i took it to abt 4 agents in nyc. but the book was too old, 17 ys old. geopolitics changes very fast. in st. louis i had
come under the
influence of eckankar
(sound &
light yoga) which increased my imagination. i was in the astral realm-the
realm of imagination
go to http://mybiographypt3.blogspot.com
12/29/2008
my biography
big shoes to fill.
my next job was at the
minneapolis star tribune ('66-'69) in the the classified & retail advertising
depts. i liked this job much better. we were a monopoly. there was less pressure on us.here i learnt how to sell advertising. i was known for my punctuality in seeing my clients. there was a guy in my dept from mankato mn called brooks whitmore. we were known as the gold
dust twins. we arrived in the display dept at the same time. one time over a meal in a restaurant he broached the subject of homosexuality. it let it pass. i believed & still believe you dont mix sex/romance & a job. it turned out that he discovered his homo'y at abt that time while he was married. divorce ensued. he quit the star & went to cal. when i went there in 74 to find a job i met
him. but while we were sitting in my hotel room the police came. i had reported my gun having been stolen. he made a quick excuse to get going. i guess he thought id gone psycho. a few ys later he crashed his car in louisiana & it was thought to be have been suicide. my gun was a 22 automatic & the only gun ive ever owned. i believe in gun ownership but ive owned a gun only that one time for abt 2 ys. i was thinking of going to alaska. idve needed a rifle & a handgun for i wouldve been out in the wilderness. most criminals have guns. its crazy to forbid
noncriminals to have them. one says how could you have all nyc armed. the crooks are already armed. sure at first thered be shootouts. then after the crooks were eliminated the city would settle down into a much better place. i believe in darwinism, am a social darwinist. at the minneapolis star i started planning on going to england. i liked england so much because of the victorian & edwardian costume dramas id seen & the books id read. i wanted to become a citizen there. in mpls i had a career of sorts that i could parley into a work permit in the old country (toc). i call england toc for i feel so at home there & am so
proud of my famous rellies there. i thought nyc would be an excellent stepping stone leading to england. i & an associate from the newspaper went to ny in feb. '69. we stopped at the house of a friend of his in cleveland who told me that along the turnpike there was a place where college boys lived who wanted gay sex. i guess he saw my mn naivete & wanted to feed me a line. we hit a snowstorm in cleveland & the snow was bad all the way into the bronx. i guess i told my boss in mpls i was going to nyc on vacation. imagine anyone doing that in feb. i got my best
job ever. it
was advertising sales on a
2 man team for mccalls needlework & crafts mag in nyc. we were
both in the closet
gays. what an unreal situation.
not being able to talk abt something
that was so important to both of us. in l.a. by telephone years later when i told my boss i was gay he
offered to set me up in a good
job in nyc. he had already hired me once. but at that point i was more interested in solving my many
intellectual conflicts & i had not yet been turned on to nyc. i didnt want to cope w. nyc just then. dont tell me abt psychological conflicts. theyre all rooted in intellectual ones. if i could see the
purpose of creation in its completeness i wouldnt have anymore problems. we misinterpret life. we are blind. maybe the purpose of life is the expand of god by creating the human race. i think that if we start w. the premise of ourselves as god that goes a long way to solving what life is about. we can swim in a maelstrom of conflicting ideas & still maintain peace of mind. in my senior yr of hs the teacher asked us all
what we wanted more than anything else. i said peace of mind. mom had recently done her 2nd n.b. & tom had just done the death act. solve the intellectual conflicts & youve solved the
emotional
ones. had i known of udwet then idve been ok. gandhi was an udwetin. it would take another 40 ys. had i wholeheartedly believed that i was god i wouldnt have been upset in my senior yr of
hs. belief determines attitude/psychology. but belief must be more than intellectual assent. it needs passion to go w. it. the more the better without upsetting the character & putting it out of balance. i believe religious
problems are solved only thru the wrestling match between the intellect & the heart. the heart is the default mode we use when were not in a meditative mode. but we can advance only when we meditate & thus reprogram ourselves. one can go to revival meetings & retreats all one wants but only ideas will give us lasting satisfaction. of course the revival meeting can stir us up to see new concepts. later we meditate to integrate the new concepts. thus revival meetings are ultimately intellectual.
i thought
getting the baptism
of the holy spirit would end my troubles. in new orleans some united
pentecostals told me if i was baptised in the name of jesus (not in the name of the
trinity) id be baptised in the holy spirit & could speak in tongues. i was & i wasnt. i made a common mistake then & later. i looked for phenomena rather than essence. also i looked at orgs for help. books & the media will give one help for no commitment is demanded. after id been at
mccalls for a yr i decided to head for toc (the old country) loaded for bear. i when i gave my notice i was told at mccalls that they were thinking to make me mgr
upon
the soon
retirement of
my boss bill baxter of cleveland oh (the one who would later offer to set me up w. a job in nyc).
i was looking for class & sophistication. this was a juvenile infatuation w. me that i suppose most young people experience. the real sophistication is spiritual. to me nyc &
england
are
good antidotes to the mn/midwestern blahs. rock song lyrics: 'lookn california, feeln minnesota'. minnesotans congratulate themselves by saying they practise what they call ‘minnesota nice’. it may seem naive but i use jc as the model for behavior. i dont see much niceness in his behavior. his main goal was to straighten out peoples thinking. this isnt done by being nice.
i cant stand the
cowardice of
minnesotans which
i imagine they rationalise as being a good
christians. there are at least 2 motivations for pacifism. bravery & cowardice. means are as important as ends because means express other hidden qualities of the person. how does one know this. because one mere aspect of morality isnt the full character of the person. one who is a pacifist out of cowardice
will show that cowardice in all aspects of its life. thus that person looks good in one area but they dont fool anyone for their full character will reveal the underlying cowardice. there are abt 20000 somalis
in mn & theyre whipping mn's butt. as is that nigger keith ellison, us
house member from s. minneapolis (the richest district in mn) who raised hell over being sworn in w. a bible (the bible forbids the taking of oaths--wake up america). i call myself a racist because
imo we all are racists & also because thereby i disarm the leftists of their chief weapon, which is to intimidate by calling one a racist. im not afraid of being called a racist. if were afraid of this well all be manipulated by racists of other colors. our fears are our blind spots. i believe all people of all races will be saved in the end. i dont believe in genocide. in the meantime there are bad cultural traits that need to be attacked & rooted out in all
race groups. the biggest problem of whites is our cowardice/guilt over being so prosperous among i suppose other things. prosperity creates more coms than anything else. monetary success breeds an aweful guilt. the biggest problem w. blacks is their constant baiting of whites (esp. w. noise). of course this is all bluff/gamesmanship. to make excuses for bad behavior is enablement/continuation of the sos. the carrot & the stick.
maybe mns will wake up. but i dont think so. the whole country in fact the whole white world is infected w. sleep but imo mn is the worst place for it. braindeadness. muz terror in the us & europe just may wake up the dead or maybe not. perhaps people have just become tired of existence & prefer annihilation. get into buddhism. its the most antilife religion i know of. the trouble w. mn is its extreme isolation &
docile socialist scandinavian population & its many bornagains (they have 6 christian radio stations there) who have a warped interp. of the bible. they dont see the true jesus who was a tower of power. he was not snivelly nosed mn nice. i dont like nice people for i believe them to be
phonies. singsong people are also phonies. nice originally meant refined. refinement isnt always good. one can be too refined. the french can be too refined. hence they tolerate the massive car burnings by muz youth. give me a bigot over a coward. except im very intolerant of those who hate all jews. to punish people for being too smart is demonic. nearsightedly these born again people get hung up on jc's words instead of what he was trying to accomplish. also these people believe one cant trust in our minds. so they accept all manner of lunacy. these nearsighteds dont make allowances
for the change in social conditions in 2000 ys. sometimes i call the sermon on the mount the eat shit sermon. when jc said turn the other cheek i think he meant that it was good to pretend to give in to others in an argument to see where their logic would lead them. build upon a fools premise & see where it leads. thats how to win arguments. he certainly didnt always give in to people such as the pharisees & the likes of the man who wanted jc to sort out inheritance problems or those followers who wanted the physical food he could provide. it could be that he meant that people who didnt have the consciousness of being god should turn the other cheek & give what was askt them until they were ready to be killed. he didnt allow the crowd to throw him off a cliff in nazareth. he saw how dark the mind of others could be & rude their outward demeanor could be & that if their motivation was good it was right to help them out. the born again like to play down sincerety in the salvation process. but i think its important. theyll say were not saved by sincerity. i say we are saved by sincerety & identifying w. jc or excarnate god. by not being too hostile. there is the possibility that we may desire to lay down our lives to make the
spiritual point that we are in essence spirit & cant be killed. in that case one would take the verse literally. it may be time for another demo of invincibility of the person after physical death. but im not ready to play that role. i was greatly injured by the literalism & face value interp of the bible pushed on me by the bornagains & at first accepted by me & by my own desire at the time for certainty. the bible is a book of motivation. the words are there to motivate us to work for illumination. its impossible to fulfill them literally. theyre meant as guidelines/stimul to thought. all rules have their exceptions. its like jacob wrestling w. an angel/man representing god. jacob wouldnt let the angel/man go until the latter gave him a blessing. i wouldnt let the bible go until i got the blessing i wanted. that blessing was the assurance that i was on the right track. imo jc used words to arouse people from their sleep knowing well that they were not capable of
measuring up to those words. he wanted us to experience the despair that would cause us to grasp at any
& all inspiring ideas. that goal is achieved in the wearegod idea. the torah does the same thing. often he was speaking ironically
just to stir people up. the law & the prophets will stand until they have accomplished their purpose. their purpose is to show us that by will power we cant accomplish them or the laws of christ. so we have to
search madly until we go all the way to the teachings of india to find the wearegod idea. this is what all the bible leads us to & then we automatically do the law bye & bye after expanding our cit (consciousnes) enough. how many have found (udwet) (advaita) in our day? very few. theyre not ready for it, they rebel against it calling it blasphemy. havent suffered enough. they havent become desperate enough. how much longer will it take.
i went to
england
& lied at the airport that i was a tourist when i was wanting to find a
job there
which i did for fjparsons ltd. i knew id never be let in the country if i told the truth. this lie later
caused me untold agony of
conscience. hebrews 10 26. like most christians i was told from the beginning
of my church experience i was a rotten
sinner.
that suggestion has a way of fulfilling itself. all orthodox churches teach
the depravity of humans. in the earth experience we start at the bottom. this depravity is known
as original sin. original sin is taught in its extremest form in calvinism,
which i was attracted to due to my name alvin
& due to a desire to have some solidity in life. calvin seems to have taught a total determinism. ‘not a drop of rain falles but at the express command of god. a hitching post. calvin had a mind honed by his study of law & had a good grasp of the bible so that he was able to produce a masterpiece of
christian theology called institutes of the christian religion. he wrote commentaries to all the bible books except rev. that he couldnt deal w. the only thing i get from rev is that we should beware all institutions esp the state.
there is only 1 bible proof text for the total depravity idea i know of &
thats psalm 51:5. Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me. in london i became the ad mgr for
recreation mgr a start up trade mag that never got off the ground. it was a
knock off of
another similar mag in the uk & 2 of them was too many. my boss who had started it was called by one of the staff pointy headed & she daphne blampied (i called her daft behind her back) was right. i feel guilty that i used to take 2 hr lunch breaks. i was
young/awiseguy. clearly i wasnt thinking of the job as a career job. id go over to the westminster library near trafalgar square. my favorite resource was the encyclopedia of philosophy. to be in a wilderness cabin w. that set & the set called the encyclopedia of religion would be bliss. at fjparsons thered been 2
english sales mgrs before me & they couldnt make a go of it either. so i lasted only 15 mo. & the mag was cancelled. but id grown disenchanted w. england. the antiamericanism was frightful. it was too crowded. the labor unions were way too strong. maggie took care of the unions. theres a certain priggishness in england
caused by authoritarianism. one is expected to conform in behavior but almost any belief is tolerated as long as it doesnt produce aberrant behavior. the authoritarian god & country thing. they think of us yanks as selfish. theres good & bad selfishness. we yanks are self & family directed which is proper. better selfish than slave. theres lots of unhappiness in toc (the old country) because of this crowding, multiracialism & authoritarianism. theres a craving for privacy as a consequence. the brits dont look for friends. as is proper they crave privacy & . i was in an all girl
office as the only 'man'. the yomen
had a ball. but it was hard for me to concentrate. collectively the 4 of them started writing a novel abt a romantic
spaniard called raoul. each would contribute something to the story. i dont know how far they got w. it. one of the salesmen had his hair cut by one of the yomen. there was much merriment.
merry old england. there
was one woman called
valda anderson (not scandinavian her hub was scot & this is a common name in scotland)
& she was
very shy but toffee nosed. i told her she was so respectable she should teach
sunday school. said she was too busy.
she helped our director
organise his steeplechase
races. one night as
she was exiting the building & walking down the street, from our 3rd story window on john adams street
4 of us sang 'good nite valdie. see you in the morning'. this was 3
blocks from trafalgar square. one time after work i pretended i was her adoring
nephew (a frequent guise of mine w. her) & got on the same train w. her at charing cross station & she was so agitated by my alse adoring attention that she said we
know
youre gay. it was her way of getting back at me. the english are very good
at sizing up people & putting one in ones place (i was hoping that pc wouldnt take hold in england but unfortunately it has in spades) as are the jews who have wonderful yiddish
expressions for bad character traits. outside our window one day a lady tramp was walking
down
our side street john adam st. & lifted a manhole cover & shat in the
hole. i think she was one of a whole bunch of street people who lived around
the embankment
tube station which i used when i lived in streatham. one time lindy hirst from our office got off the tube w. me at that station & pointed to one of the bums & said 'hes the brain of the operation'. i laughed. english and jewish humor are the best. very irreverent. good humor is always irreverent. wake up america. but abt 6 mo. after i arrived in the uk
mom did her 3rd nervous breakdown (she shouldve started a school o
getting away from problems by throwing nb's....shedve been a great strike organiser if she couldve overcome her great shyness). both of us kids were out of state & she was working. twice she did the nb thing while or shortly after both of us were living far off. she would just run out of steam. i think we live off the energy of others partially. she certainly did..
passiveaggressives certainly do this. we live on ego gratification. so sweet is it to be praised/noticed. but ive learnt to avoid giving or receiving praise. i think its toxic. i live on the praises of my people says god. i think i said this for the benefit of the people in their lamentably backward condition. any sane person rejects praise. when one praises me i await the ‘but.....’. of necessity backward people live manic/depressive lives. before ma threw
the third darkie (depression) & while i was in toc thru her job mom met a guy abt 14 ys younger than she. another german. she had had 2 close german male friends before she met tom. james said shed put on rouge heavy when her amour lincoln schroeder & she went out. she called him the finest christian shed ever met. she said this just to spit on me who am very religion proud. james wanted me to put an end
to the schroeder business which i did. it was right after that she threw darkie no. 3. i think she had thought i was in england to stay for she said i seemed to be
the happiest in england of
any place id lived in. happiness never lasts. its a fleeting thing. better to be balanced. earlier she had even mentioned to her brother in law lewy myers that she
might move to england to be w. me. this indicates the degree of her sense of aloneness.
but for me england
was/is muuuuuuuuch too
overpopulated. i wanted more elbow room. now theres the added moslem uprising problem which the english have not yet shown themselves to be equal to. equipollence is needed. i think the only reason
they have so many pakistanis there is the new
world order (odor) (world government) agend. the birch magazine has been
documenting the growth of this movement for
60 ys. people dont want to hear bad news unless it applies only to others. their magazine is always filled w. documentation of worldgov measures. even the extreme left is now using their thesis. people esuch as michael parenti & noam chomsky.
i headed back to mn. on my way back i went to spain, morocco,
gypt & israel.
i should never travel. i hate the stress. i complain the whole way. my eczema had started to flare up in england. i suppose i was excited about writing my first bookscript, going to the holy land & the anticipation of going back to mn where id be in for big trouble.
as of 2008 ive been in 29 foreign countries. my eczema flared up into
boils/ulcers (
biblical job) & it took me 20 min to get out of bed. i went to a doctor in jerusalem at the king
david hotel
& told him i didnt
have enough blood. he said 'what?' hed
never heard of such a
thing. imagine a gentile telling a jewish doctor something. but since then ive noticed
that we scratch when our blood
pressure/volume is low especially after waking up in the am when were dehydrated.
the scratching forces circulation in the spot we scratch & temporarily this
relieves the itch. my theory has been vindicated. people w. fast hearts can ameliorate the
situation by drinking more fluids. this is because when blood volume is adequate the heart has an easier job. i have a fast heart. i have a hard time drinking enough water. so i make a big batch of green tea to make water drinking more pleasurable. after coming from england & israel i got to st.
paul & i brought ma home from her sister elins place & found ma would
sit on
the couch all day. she had been cared for by elin for abt 15 mo & by my brother for a couple months who
used the situation to get out of the navy. his conscience didnt bother him that he stayed w. her only a couple months & then left for st. louis to go back to his old job. hes that way. slippery. he thinks hes very clever. id call him a wise guy. hes just
just like mom that way. but he had the excuse that he had a wife to support & his old job awaiting him in st. louis. since elin had cared for her for over a yr. she wanted no more & had asked
me to come home to care for ma. i wrote a book
manuscript on christian apologetics while sitting w. mom in her newly built duplex on st. pauls east side.
i
think shock
treatment is
barbaric & wanted to hold it
off thinking
there
might be a spontaneous remission. I SHOULDVE GONE TO THE LIBRARY TO
LOOK FOR BOOKS ON DEPRESSION. i wouldve run into the idea that nutrition can do wonders for this. but i didnt know the
power of nutrition (do we ever know enough of anything) and wasnt a christian scientist then. cs accepts nutrition as 'improving mortal mind'. food isnt rejected by cs's. suicide isnt recommended. ive been a vegan (pronounced vejan (short e)) since '85 & an organic vegan since 97. the only oils i take are sunflower & flax. they supply the
must eat fatty acids. but i think im taking too much of them for my prostate isnt shrinking & that is a must for me. i have to squeeze my urine out. drugs are rejected by many people as mere symptom shifters masking the underlying problem. one set of symptoms are exchanged for another set. the new set can be more dire than the old. drugs are seen as toxic. cs's say the material world is just illusion, it is advantageous for us to make our condition in
mortal mind (the consciousness of living in the world) as enlightened as possible as long as we are here. we should lessen our illusions. i prefer the idea that we create our world by accepting the beliefs of others when were young. this world is not necessarily illusory. it could be just an agreed upon belief system. i havent decided yet on the nature of nature. wouldnt it be wonderful to see the world as a baby sees it. one thing everyone agrees on is that the world is in constant transit. i dont believe that matter is only illusion. but it certainly is unstable. after accepting cs we could suicide to exit mortal mind. but mm is that opposition we seem to need in order to purify
ourselves. we need to conquer nature. we might as well make the most of mm & help others escape its clutches. well not get anywhere without purification. when mom was alive i was just
floating along down stream (arent we all until we can walk on water) ignorant of the power of
nutrition. now i use ascorbic acid vit c capsules to kill all tooth pain. ive had 2 big abscesses in my mouth. it works even w. them. one i had for 10 ys. the current one i have had for 12 ys. im now
doctor dentist & lawyer free. when i was abt 10 i snuck out of my bedroom window just before dad was due to take me to dr. stromwall our dentist. i went next door to the fuhrmans & hid telling barb & kenny to call me ray so that my parents wouldnt hear them calling my name. i watched for the car to leave the garage & hid so i wouldnt be seen outside their house. i think my dad like my spunk for he never said a thing. he didnt like my priggishness which i got from mom. while caring for mom in st paul
i started noticing homocidal thoughts i had toward
her welling up in me. one time i shoved her into
her bed. i
was tired of her sitting on the couch all the time. i was holding off shock treatments for i think theyre barbaric. i thought there might be a remission. i knew nothing of
she was a
sneaky person but had given me lots of support when tom was alive tho i think much of my pathology was due to her as well as him. id owned so much of her personality.
if i could relive that period
idve studied nutrition & made her a proposition. ill continue living w. you if you follow my guidelines on nutrition. also i will not have a job & youll have to give me an allowance. otherwise ill become passive w. you & leave you to the dox & your own devices.
amino acids show much
promise
in helping the unbalanced mind stay balanced.
just abt anything nutritional helps depression for d. is the most general pathology there is. it simply means were not feeling well. but she had me w. her
unconditionally because i wasnt smart enough to
see the injustice of the situation.
i was using her & felt i had a right to since i was her primary caregiver. but she was using me much more than i her. i couldve done jolly well without her but the reverse wouldntve been true. people use each other all the time. this is the basis of civilisation. but we should be aware were using one other, make sure the other person knows it too & be doing it voluntarily. if both parties are aware &
me & the nb's in order to cope. one might say of course nb's are coping mechanisms. everything is. but when a coping mechanism is used in a sneaky way then it becomes a sin. there is sneakiness involved in all sin. during her 4th nb in new orleans i was
freaked out
when in a trance like
state she said something like 'ive got to figure out how to make us
one'. was that a freudian statement! it was
also an advaitin statement. i think my brother & family think there was intercourse between us but maybe im low rating them even further than they deserve accepting of the mutual using there is no creepiness. who can be smart enough in life. who can know enough. only if we have the full consciousness (chit/cit) of being god can we know all we need to know. 2 days after mom died it came to me that she had been using.
theyre clueless abt psychology. how can one live in the modern world without it. some decades ago j. said he was waiting for me to come unglued. the poor child. he hasnt had his wish yet. i told j&s abt moms statement. i believe in telling all. there is therapy in truth. but since ive always been the family scapegoat (a very christian practice) im usually blamed for everything
including what they think might have been. ONE OF MY
BIGGEST REGRETS IN LIFE IS THAT I DIDNT ASK HER WHAT THE
HELL WAS BOTHERING HER. you christian people please know that i swear like a sailor. tune in to gene scott who preaches sometimes swearing at his la church the one that vernon mcgee used to preach in. i like reality in religion. an honest swear word/s show a guilelessness. you can hear gene on the net. im very opposed to pietism, the pretending to be pure. pious is phew. in french pious is pieux which is pronounced almost like phew. purity cant be faked successfully. plenty of pew warmers try. it is deathly. id love to rescue all religions from pietism. . i think ma blocked my mind. i think people have the ability to block other peoples
minds. i believe she constantly was telling my subconscious mind dont ask me
whats bothering me. yet i feel ultimately i discovered what was bothering her. i
think it was her self hatred for being so cowardly that she couldnt
defend herself in an argument. whenever i do a brave thing i pat myself on my shoulder. she
always told us to fight for our interests. once in grade school i hit gilbert ostman on his head w. my lunch bucket. he was a pest.
in '57 mom told her psychiatrist that her mother in law had tormented mom w. her pushiness. she blamed me too but always behind my backs. in n.o. the yentas (nosey old
women) openly blamed me for not giving her into the doctors hands. the ones who did this all died before mom did. but lets face it. moms worst problem was her weakness. wimpy people do far more harm than over aggressive ones. shy people bring on their own problems because its as
if theyve a sign on them that says im weak. hit me. this brings on the inevitable reaction of others to abuse them. weak people raise hell for themselves & others. one good thing i got from tom is he taught me the virtue of being strong. when i see an old person mouthing as if they were chewing gum i detest them & wish the angel of death would take them. its a great life if one isnt weak. id rather deal w. over aggressive people any day than the weak. the professionals call them passive aggressives. in a jewish home she wouldve been forced to argue during meals in
order to learn how to deal w. the cruel world. also she
worried a lot abt money. weak people do that too. they lack a sense of power. the
worrying abt money caused her to go on strike which caused her to go to
hoz which cost her lots of money which made her poorer which made her worry abt money. but the sweetness of punishing herself & others was too great to quit the depression act. & thus the cycle would go on & on. like all of us she was her worst
enemy. it is our weaknesses that are our
worst enemies.
in england
i had written a book on
how
england
should
join the us rather than the
eu. i wrote a second book in st. paul. it was on
christian apologetics. it was prescient for in the born again movement this is a big
subject now
for c'y is under
attack by cryptocoms & most other nonchristians like the muz. the first are very strong in
education, law & the media. the muz are now using the left as allies against the right. politics makes strange bedfellows. the left worships the state. the muz think they can get weak ch'n
countries to force sharia law upon their citizens thru force. but muz dialog is positively psychotic. it is based on bluff. its just a spewing of hatreir the left including the muz should engage logicians so that their dialog could pass the smell test, the non contradictory test. in st. paul in 1972
id got a taste for the leisurely life & in
those days one
didnt interrupt ones career for family reasons. i
didnt think i could go back into advertising for id spent a yr w. mom. i didnt like my
career
anyway so
i decided to take the easy path in life. ive had no
regrets. ive taken enough orders in my life. since '73 ive done my very own thing. ive had no debts since. i reported for the military & got a physical deferrment due to my robust eczema. the vietnam war couldve been dodged by conservatives on the basis of the wimpy leadership of the
war. same could be said of the iraq war. im a conservative hippie. my dad was going to kick me out of the house at age 18. had he lived 2 more ys he mightve & i mightve been better off. i wish i
couldve left all responsibility at 16 the age at which one could leave school in mn. but i was caught in the mesmerism of education. the factory age made factory owners see the need for the discipline of punctuality & good attendance & the ability to take orders (odors). thus school was
made mandatory & tax financed. this discipline worked so well that it introduced the era of the total state, communism & fascist. now in the age of desk work where discipline is not nearly so
important the old dinosaur of forced ed. ambles on. we learn our lessons from the past too well.
since then ive always done my own thing. had i
gone back to work after ma's recovery in '73 it wouldve been only 3 more ys before mom crashed again this time in new orleans & i wouldve had to quit that job.
after 1 yr in st paul (the 2 times i cared for her while in nbs i waited 1 yr each time to give her a chance to come out of depress) i took mom to
the hozzie for shock treatment & she came back to her usual being just
chronically depressed. this type of person is called unipolar. if i lose my
temper once in awhile you can see why given the strain ive been under. i
sold
the house in st. paul against gma hakansons & james advice. i wasnt going to be under 2 burdens, mom & the house. after that ma went thru her whole estate in the next 20 ys that remained for her & was on medicaid at the end. i wouldnt call it a successful life.
we
went to new orleans.
i thought the climate would be more
uplifting for her. but from our apt i could hear the cries of a mental patient in the distance. theres quite a lot of mental disease in the south. id given her the choice
between nyc, n. orleans or
paris. i like
france for its sense of style. it can be called the most civilised country of all maybe too civilised in the sense of cowardly. since 65 ive been studying french litely & simplifying it. i think street language in france is much simpler than academic french. in french movies dialog is so clipped its impossible for me to understand. i dont know if i couldve got a work permit in france. in 2000 due to my
agony over the clinker
administration i planned to go to france but when i found out one needs a
prescription for vitamins there, i ditched the
effort.
now i wish i
wouldve
forced her to go
to ny w. me. there people
dont have time for
nervous breakdowns. she still wouldve been a pain in the ass. but i mightve been able to publish my 2 books. in 1973 in new orleans i
wrote another
unpublished
book advocating
theocracy (after seeing what happened in iran,
was i
wrong abt that!). in nuh wawlns i met stu calhoun from birmingham alabama. he & his twin brother forrest had been circus aerialists. stu married & had 5 kids. but he & his brother were gay. stu left his wife. at first i stayed at the columns hotel (where pretty baby w. brook shields) was filmed). stu
was a clerk there. wed sit on the front porch in rocking chairs & hed rock me w. laughter telling me abt how hed seduce young men. he liked age 20 give or take say 3 ys. hed use lines like id like to see more of you. he was one great southern snake oil con men. he claimed that his dad
was alabama sec of state but i checked that out & he was lying. to me humor wipes out & exposes a multitude of sins. it wipes out many of the sins of the humorist & exposes the sins of others. when i closed shop in nuh wawlins stu bought nearly all of our furniture. mom just sat there in her down mode which she was too proud to break seeing all her furniture go. exactly what she deserved. in 1974 in no i had a christian science type healing even
though i hadnt studied cs yet. while showering i was given insight
into my nearly
life
long eczema. i think i got it due to taking vaccines at age 5 mo....the mercury preservative is toxic. the public 'health' authorities dont tell one this afaik.
to the nervous system which then gives out false info to the physiology & causes improper immune responses. had vit c & all the other antioxidants been
discovered before vaccines we wouldve never gone the vaccine route for vaccines cause autism
allergies & many other things and are due to due to nervous system damage. dont tamper w. the info system of any org! autism should be called chronic irritability. i believe its a wiring problem. DONT MESS W. THE WIRING. but autism can produce idiot savants. theres an autist in england who has memorised a number i think 1 million digits long. i think human irritability & therefore autism has increased since the intro of vaccines. autism has now reached an epidemic rate. i certainly have irritablity & that makes me a constant searcher of privacy. id say im abt a 3 on the autism scale. my dads second cousin helen (mrs. clem) nelson of st paul asked me if i was brilliant or crazy. i answered 'both'. i had a tutor in french in
nyc called suzanne tanzer. she was old a very dramatic in her gestures. i teased her mercilessly. when we walked the streets she hold my elbow & id say 'tout le monde est a nous' (we own the whole world). id always tutoiyer
her meaning id use the familiar pronouns & verb forms to talk to her. i was so silly w. her that when i had a lesson in my office id close the blinds so that
others couldnt see how foolish i was. once i forgot to open the blinds & my boss scolded me for this impropriety the next day. ive made a list of over 100 people i consider to be silly. these are people i loooooooove to tease. i was on my uncle georges silly list for he teased me so skillfully that twice i
screamed at him. more & more im going into scream mode. theres the primal scream therapy of janos. that was georges chief social skill... teasing. when he died aged 93 in 06 we were estranged. we just didnt have anything further to say to each other. i didnt like his stuff & he didnt like mine. i think thats the way its going to remain w. james too. id lost respect for george & im sure he never had the slightest respect for
me. i never heard him say a good thing abt me. there werent too many people he respected. while i was in nyc i went to the billy graham crusade the summer of 69 w. a lesbian yoman who called me a beautiful person. no one else has called me this. but in those days i was very
dumb/naif. i guess this appealed to her. i didnt have the sailors tongue i have now. not every word jc spoke is written in the bible. the
insite in the shower in n.o. mightve been my unconscious
mind telling me this. the superconscious
mind is my name for our subliminal consciousness of being god. maybe im making distinctions that arent deserved. but i distinguish the subconscious from the
superconscious. the former dealing w. low energy/funky things such as dream material & the latter being our remembrance of being god in another existence. in either case they are the parts of our memories that are forced to
the peripheries of consciousness due to the impositions of life. the
superconscious is the reservoir of all good info that weve learnt thruout our current & past lives. the other peripheral consciousness is the subconscious which is our animal nature vying for attention. it shows our animal nature in a bad light. but the subconscious is good in that it shows us our deficiencies.
the event in the shower broke the disease which doctors in the us
& uk
couldnt
cure for 32 ys. dermatology is the most backward of all the specialties of medicine. in the shower i was told (or i told myself based on knowledge id
gained) that eczema comes from blocking the skin from
expelling poisons from inside the body. therefore dont put oils or grease on
your skin.
also i reasoned that i shouldnt hold my
homosexuality inside. secrecy produces stress which causes poison creation.
also
i reasoned pork contains poison so i should eliminate it from my diet.
these things worked fast & the healing has been permanent.
i believe we should state to ourselves we want to see just what is
causing our diseases. we are the mind of god. it just takes time for our human brains to process
ideas. the superconscious mind kicks in & provides the analysis of the disease. ive been a vegan since 85 & an organic vegan since 97. theres something beyond organic. its called biodynamic. i plan to look into it. when i turned 65 i rejected medicare. ive no deductions from my ss check for
medicare. i threatened med. w. a law suit if they didnt allow me to opt out. i found out anyone can opt out or join late. jan-mar of every year is a window of 'opportunity' but the premium is 10% higher for each yr that goes by. i plan to live forever in good
health. nobody is going to convince me i have to die. i havent gone to a dr. since 86. i dont believe in med/surg/burn. in 86 i went cuz i hadnt discovered the power of vit c in ascorbic acid capsule form. don’t waste your money on ascorbate or ester c. they do nothing for me.
also we must put pressure on the vit cos to supply us w. non chinese vit c. there are too many contaminate problems w. chinese products. i hope subconsciously im not planning to get sick so i can go back into childhood w. someone hovering over my bed ministering love to me. but i dont think so cuz i never have this dream.
i took a one year break from mom by going to
los angeles. id lived in the north south east. now i wanted to experience the west. la is surprisingly provincial for the us's no. 2 city. its hard to get a job there. theyre as suspicious as
their antecedents who came from the midwest. in ny if they think you can do a job theyre delighted to have you no matter where you come from. ive always loved the coastal northeast & resented the chauvinism of californians. the mexicans are taking over california. whites are not a 50% majority in hi ca nm tx. we should consider them lost from the us. pres. clinker looks forward to the time the us is no longer mainly white. i dont. the time for colorblindness hasnt come yet & wont come until nonwhites act/think like whites. & i resent those who would try to paint over the differences. by the time i got to la i was pretty bummed out over ma. i didnt have the gumption to look for a good job. so
i sold baby foto
coupons
door to door. i lived on the money i was able to get from the purchasers. i worked for keys studios on hollywood blvd. once i was abt 5 ft from art linklater. but its much easier to see celebs in nyc cuz people walk in nyc. in la they drive everywhere. my customers would buy
a $5 coupon & a photographer would come to the house & take several pictures. when the pictures were ready the customer could choose either to buy extras or take just the one for
$5. my customers were 2nd best of those of all the salespeople cuz i put so little pressure on them & thus got the motivated ones. the salesmen could get lots of sales from my people. i had a wonderful little jewish leprechaun sales mgr (al bernard) who kept me
in
stitches
during
sales meetings. i lived in a residential hotel steve allens
mum had lived in her last ys. steve would sit in the car while jane would
go in to slobber over mum. in case you didnt know steve was not a warm person. i never liked him. the way he told dirty jokes was dirty. i tell dirty jokes in a way that points out the
human folly of sex. like that other homo benny hill who presented sex in a mocking way. allen did sex in a way that seemed to glorify sex, the majestic secrecy & awe of it. imo sex
is a highly ritualised & indirect way of voiding of human chemicals. in la i
often went to the mother church of the gay denomination called the metropolitan
community church & also to the gay
synagogue alongside it. i didnt like either cuz being a snob i didnt like the seediness of those denoms.
i was mugged by niggers (im not pc (political coverup)(pathectically
corrupt)(party communist)(povertyofcerebration)) in south central la. this
caused me to
lash out at
my relatives (see how logical we are). but our rellies do have an awful lot of impact on our
development. i remember how uncle yngve used to rag on me about the evils of capitalism
from age 8 on. today it would be called child abuse. i imagined all kinds of bad
things abt the rellies. i was prolly reading their subconsciousnesses. the sub's contains the morbid aspects while the superconscious contains the divine. since the morbid
consciousness doesnt glorify animality but discredits it, we see that good is the more powerful of good & bad & that being is monistic. i f you dont understand monistic please consult the dic & dont go passiveaggressive on me. passiveaggressives could drain the universes of energy if allowed to. they are wimps. jews call them schmendricks. the connote of
above & below in consciousness are purely arbitrary conventional spatial concepts. but whatever way one wants to imagine them in we divide up the good & bad in our minds. imo in reality there is no space or time. i guess we expect too much from our rellies. uncle
yngve my communist godfather thinks ive an abnormally great interest in relatives. maybe hes afraid of my analysis of him. it could be that being gay my development is arrested in
part in childhood. ortho psychiatry thinks this is the case. maybe subconsciously ive known
all along that ive royal blood & wanted to have it revealed to consciousness. it wasnt long after a mugging by niggers in la. that i
went back to n. o. then mom had her 4th
nb. one time when in a sort of trance she said 'i need to know how we can be united' or something very similar. i took this as meaning she was in love w. me & it freaked me out. i think james & family believe i had sexual intercourse w. her. people who hate one are prone to twist things around, to demonise one. j. & family have done this in spades! i congratulate them for making such asses of themselves. i
looooooove when people do this. then they go on my silly list. yes ive a degree of sadism in my heart & masochism too. the 2 go together. life would be simpler if id just keep my mouth shut. but i enjoy getting things out in the open. the bible speaks of god as hiding things. i mayve been like that in the past but now i reveal everything. ive changed my mind since bible times. jc said he had not told
his disciples all for they were not ready for it. but now 2000 ys later theres a tremendous backlog of things we need to know. were not told directly cuz we get strong be trusting our own god cit (look it up). its our own human consciousness that blocks things we dont want to know. change is usually painful. OUR WILL IS WHAT WE SHOULD TREAT W. THE GREATEST RESPECT SINCE IT IS OUR HEAVEN OR HELL.
speak the truth & shame the devil is one of my mottos & it comes from toc. after a few months of me being home in n.o. & while i was at work mom took an
overdose of medicine & when i got home from work in the credit dept at sears her eyes
were turned up into her head & her breathing was very slow. the doctor was
guardedly optimistic that shed
survive. she was put on a respirator.IVE LEARNT IT IS FOLLY TO FIGHT FOR THE LIFE OF ONE WHO DOESNT VALUE IT EVEN IF ITS IN A DEPREST CONDITION. our diseases
are part of the whole of our lives. its not as if the devil suddenly comes in & takes over . we entertain the devil all the time. our lower instincts are the devil. the time we put in entertaining him (our low natures) builds up over time & low thoughts become habits. our sicknesses are our own fault. after one demonic spell a smart person will learn from the experience & work so that it doesnt happen again. after mom came
out of the nb i
turned her over to my
bro. i had had enough. 2 breakdowns were enough. i put her on a plane in n.o. for st. paul
(thats where her
long
time doctor was who said she shouldnt live alone). my sister in law picked her up there.
i left the airport in n.o. at the same time
for texas (i think her plane to mn
was following mine on the tarmac). a real jet age family. if you think im a pauper living in grandiose thinking youre right. thats how h. g. wells was raised. yet ive not reached his stature except spiritually. he was an atheist. i wanted to see my heartthrob
john heim.
id been made moms guardian & was given power of attorney. i spent i think abt $1500 of moms money on plane trips to see
john in texas. i never succeeded in seeing him. i paid her back later when i worked at an organic farm in st. louis county. but she
didnt
require me to do it in full. imo had she been in her right mind shedve been grateful for my help & treated me from time to time as a reward. that was not carolines way. i dont remember her ever thanking anybody for anything. since she was weak she mustve felt it wouldve given her
benefactors power over her. one time she found some writing id done abt her & she accused me of trying to control her by writing abt her. in no having asked james to take over, i left our goods in n.o. in the keeping of a very shortterm landlord. we had left the apt on st. charles av & moved into the french quarter.
i went on a 21 day water fast over ma & john heim. i got meaner than hell. i dont do any more fasting. instead i take to bed & leave the house as little as possible. this is a lot easier when one is retired. but even working people can do it weekends. fasting & meditating clarify the mind. dont mind the monkey mind that jumps all over the place. when one is decompressing ones mind after having interacted w. others this is bound to take place & will eventually play itself out.mas
engagement ring (which id taken off her cuz she worked it back & forth on her finger & irritated it) & the family plate were stolen in the
few days after ma & i left & before james picked the stuff up. ive always had a contempt for riches. i fear them as giving one a false security. dr. norman in
st. paul put ma on lithium &
that was the end of her
memory & the beginning of the end of her kidneys. but he had again brought her out of depression. she would do 7
depressions in all in her life. her dementia got so bad once in church she asked james who his father was to the great merriment of those who heard her. ive heard of a person who took electroshock frequently voluntarily. I GUESS HE LIKED IT OR WAS AFRAID HED GO INTO DEPRESSION IF HE DIDNT TAKE IT. THE HEIM PROJECT
DIDNT WORK. IN JUNE '76 I WAS BADLY BEATEN UP BY HIM HIS BROTHER & A FRIEND OF HIS. ID BEEN WARNED OF KANSAS 'BOYS' AS BEING VIOLENT. so
circuitously via ca or & mn i made my way back to ma after
she was
settled in st. louis county. i was mugged by some niggers in sanfr & called sharnie asking for james to send me some money to the diggers address in sanfr. they had a walk in letter service for hippies there. he sent the check to some address in la where id lived before going to sanfr. i never got
the money. sharnie said that id demanded the money. i remember having the tone that i just assumed my brother would help me out in such a fix. it was not to be. this was just one in a whole cascade of things that has made me hate him. hes in a church very appropriate for him...presbyterian. in england p’n is a one word joke as is knickers. i
stayed in shelters starting w. a shelter in sanfr run by the shiloh people of arkansas who grow the famous organic grains found in health food stores. then i went to the 6th st. mission joined the staff & stayed there 6 weeks. then 7 weeks at a mission in eugene or. eugene is a countercultural town. i guess itd be all right to live there if one could stand the pressure that lefties create. i put anarchism on
the far right. these people are esssentially anarchists. on the right side of the spectr im awaiting their arrival. on my way to st. paul hitchhiking thru e. oregon i felt under terrible oppress. later i read that the russians were testing an ionosphere heating device like our haarp device. i think that device might have effected me. or it couldve been the psy
pressure i was under. then 4 months at the union gospel mission in st paul where i think i was the most agitated in my life. previously ma had given them money. i wonder if shed had a premon that i might be needing their
help one day. i couldnt get a permanent job. i had a long beard & semilong hair & wouldnt part w. it for religious reasons. i thought all this hair would bring me good luck & it did in the long
run. in st. louis i did very good intellectual work. i revised many of my beliefs. constantly its good to take inventory of these for they are our destiny. later id stay at missions in fl & hi. theyre costless places to stay. theyre good for travelers without money. most of the people who stay at
missions in highly traveled areas are travelers. were not total losers. many are quite bright like me. there were 2 at the maui mission w. iq's in the 130s. mine is a mere 126 that is the first 3 letters of the ! func in math. at the mission in st. paul there
was a rc therapist named dr. oconnor. hed been trained at queen marys college in london. i asked him if i could have some free therapy. he gave me 11 sessions. he said my anxiety level
was higher than any hed seen at the mission. he treated me not w. a rc type but w. a cs type of therapy. it mustve taken root cuz later that yr i started doing nothing but cs
research for 6 mo. but james had warned me not to come to mo but mom said it was ok. what doesnt kill makes one stronger. i had
been beaten up by the heim gang in n.o. the year '76 was my annus horribilis. moms old car was giving trouble. i gave it away
inspired by such deeds on the 700 club pat robertsons show. mom was in one of her snits. in nuhwawlns 2 jewish women & 2 baptist women (one was the wife of a
former pres. of the southern baptist convention) gave me hell for not putting mom completely in the hands of dox. all 4 of these women died before mom. sweet vindication. im very vindictive. i study the social security death index. its
hard to be an existentialist (one who doesnt go along w. the crowd, who makes bold conscious decisions abt ones life). but the ex't way is the honest way even tho the top man of the ex't movement john sartre didnt follow his advice.
he preached stalinism. how can one be an ex't in a stalinist society. dont do what they do. do what they say. i believe my english cousin had her a. h. the year there were 2 divorces of her sons. al hakanson & annus horribilis have the
same initials. so do adolf hitler & alfie hitchcock.
moms psychiatrist in st.
paul had said
she
shouldnt live alone. no one but me wanted to live w. her & living w. her
suited my lazy
lifestyle. in '87 in hi when i asked if i could live w. her again she said no.
she knew how opposed james was to it & she wanted me to further develop my survival skills.
bears & insects sleep away the winter. yet i/god care for them & us. what kind of life is it for a grown unmarried man to live w. his
mother off & on until hes 51 as i did.
its a wonder ive not been forced to take psychiatric 'help' (drugs). i believe the right to refuse med/surg/burn treatment should
be enshrined in the bill of rights. most states have cs science sponsored laws which preclude forced treatment for those who trust in prayer for healing. james was furious that id rejoined her. he came to our apt.
white in his face. later he would throw out
all my memorablia for the first 42 ys of my life. all but my bookscripts. hed rather
have mom living alone than do anything to help me. i guess he was afraid id finagle money out of her. i shouldve got money for living w. her even when she was ‘normal’ for what kind of life is living w. a parent for one in his 30s & 40’s. i wasnt perfect for mom but i was
the only one who could do it. nobody else would live w. her. her sister couldnt do it anymore. i dont think she wouldve made 81 had she not got family help. living w. her in st. louis
cnty i spent 6 ys revising my
religious & political beliefs. my old ones
hadnt served me very well. for one year i worked on an organic
farm run by a
german american protestant who
thought
hitler was 'a fine christian man'. i reported him to the antidefamation league. ive quit reporting people to them or to the jewish defense league for neither acknowledge my letters. what creeps. & the adl is pushing for hate speech legislation which would nearly destroy freedom of speech. theres a nice jewish woman in switzerland gabrielle goldwater who talks w. me abt my distress over http://libertyforum.com. it started out as an anarchocapitalist
forum & because of the lovely low level of censorship was soon taken over by a group of hitlers holocaust deniers & minimisers. ive always wanted to attack these people i consider much lower than child molesters & have had a very good bash at it. a mililtia friend (i dont support their program but respect them for their muckraking) jack yoos recently revealed himself as a kraut jewhater & told me not to call
him again unless 'id changed my mind'. fat chance. 20 ys ago hed told me he had no probs w. jews & blacks.. i adore right wing jews & jewish humor. in st. louis i
wrote a 4th unpublished book on changes coming to the world in the future. on
out to infinity. i tried to sell the first book. i hate to sell things. ive dont too much of it. i feel a pimp. i took it to abt 4 agents in nyc. but the book was too old, 17 ys old. geopolitics changes very fast. in st. louis i had
come under the
influence of eckankar
(sound &
light yoga) which increased my imagination. i was in the astral realm-the
realm of imagination
go to http://mybiographypt3.blogspot.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)